Something's Definitely Not Right

Hmmm.. where should I start? I've been pretty busy lately both in my job as well as running my small time business. So much to do and yet so little time for myself. It's like almost everyday I have something to work on. I barely got any time for myself just to relax and kick back to take a breather. Not to mention that recently I had to run around to get this or get that done for my loan to be approved.

Loan for what you may ask. I won't be telling until it goes through. Don't wanna jinx it if you know what I mean :p

I get irritated easily these days too. Somehow my tolerance level towards people is deteriorating and I seem to get agitated easily. I'm in somehow a mess right now and can't seem to think straight at the moment.

This feeling is somewhat familiar with one of my previous relationship back then. I get so pissed off when she was so reluctant to get things going or not to procrastinate. I'm not saying that there's someone at the moment who is doing this to me. I'm saying that the feeling of irritation is something like that back then >.<

I can't seem to pinpoint where the irritation comes from however all I can is feel the irritation being there. Maybe I should search deeper to see where it falls back to, or maybe I just need to chill and rest up. Which is which I wonder?

Never mind, for now I'll just observe and not fall into any quick judgment or decisions. I'll just let time prove itself again :p whether do I have the time for this to happen...hmmm

Clock's ticking, tick tock tick tock...

Random Thoughts

Never underestimate your potential and never be ashamed of what you are. Do your best especially when people expect you to do less because the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Life never gets tough if one can handle it better. Cries won’t be tears if you’re not hurt. Sadness won’t mean anything unless you’re down. Anger will be nothing if apology comes right after. Smiles mean nothing if it comes from the unknown. A touch never says it cares unless you think so. There are a lot of things in life that have a different meaning of its own…

… So if you feel like having a dwell in life… Fight not because you’re brave but because you’re a coward who is out to prove something.

Blindfolded and walking alone. That’s what most of us feel in a lifetime full of major risks and decisions. It might seem safer to remain stagnant. But isn’t it more fulfilling if despite the fear of falling from a cliff and bruised knees, steps were taken? In the end, losing and mistake won’t count. What matters most is the person we turned out to be—not naïve but wise and beautifully molded by experiences.

I’ve learned… that when you plan to get even with someone, you’re only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I’ve learned… that ignoring the facts do not change the facts.
I’ve learned… that the easiest way to grow as a person is to surround yourself with people smarter than you are.
I’ve learned… that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
And I’ve learned… that life is tough, but I can be tougher!!!

Yet another trip and I'm hitting the road.

Yet another week and I'm again hitting the road, and here I am at the island which has loads of good food, good air, and terrible traffic >.< I was suppose to leave at 7am this morning, however my colleague came late so we took off a little later, well an hour later to be exact. I was so tired to drive as I have kinda had a long hour drive the day before arriving at KL at night. So this morning I took it kinda slow, cruising at 130-140km/h. Took me about 4 hours on the dot upon arriving to Penang and another 30 mins to find my way to Naza Hotel.

Upon arriving, we quickly settled our baggage and checked in to our room. Met the IT guy here for lunch at their coffee house and then off to work. Trust me the food here, SUCKS! I've never tasted such bad food in Penang before. This has gotta be the worst! I didn't really have a choice since we're really hungry, we just took a quick bite then we went to do our work in which we are suppose to do here.

Finished our task and we went off to another hotel, Berjaya hotel...
Did some stuff there and meeting some people there and the hotel manager. Sort that out and we're off downstairs to midland plaza to grab some DVDs hahaha it's really up for grabs and the price is really cheap! :p

We had dinner then at the other end of the island. Wanted to have chinese hawker food but according to our dumb law in the company, we need to have dinner in which there's a receipt so we can claim for our meal. =.=" so we ended up at Kayu Nasi Kandar haha. one of the places in which I could think of with receipt included :p

Now I'm here sitting back at the hotel room, resting while waiting for my colleague to be done with shower so I can get one myself.

Ok he's done...I think. Gotta go. ciao~

Why oh why?!

I've always wondered why sometimes things doesn't come to you when you are looking for it; however, when you decided to stop looking, these things will tend to creep up to you.

Example: I've been jobless for a while. I mean some of you guys knows some don't so well now you know. I won't really wanna talk about how did I get myself into this situation but let's just say I have my own reasons in doing so. Foolish it may seem to some of you but hey all I'm asking is just an open mind and let me be, me. :)

For more and a month to almost two, I've been left without a job. Yes I did go on several interviews however, it wasn't really successful. Not many companies were hiring at that time and even some of the ones that are hiring, can't afford to pay me >.<

After about 2 months of struggling, I finally got a job. This time around it's a job with a huge company, I shall not reveal just yet so I won't bloody jinx my term here. At least until confirmation is assured. I do have better pay; yes very much better than the previous job and hehe I can finally wear the pants in the house....well no one to compare with but hey I'm happy enough.

Job's a little challenging and yes I do have to travel quite frequent. Tioman last week, Singapore this week, Penang next week, and probably Redang and Langkawi for this year. Next year However we are planning on Phu Quoc, Vietnam, Seychelles and London for the first quarters. I do love to travel. Of course it's never nice to travel on your own expenses but with the companies? Hell, I'm game. :p

I got myself a little comfortable with the job here then there it comes.... another offer came up to me...then another, and today, another =.="

Job 1: I'll be a contract staff for 1 year tenure at a huge MNC company. As a project manager of course leading a team and dealing with infrastructure and network related projects for this customer. Pay? Well almost double my current pay. They are going to pay me 3 months in advance for a whole year. My dilemma? When the contract ends then what? Will my contract be renewed or will I be back at square 1; job hunting again?? If so, which company will hire me with this sort of pay? Will I be contented with new jobs if I were to get lower pay, nearly half from what I'm getting? Setback, no traveling =.=" Boo Fuckin Hoo!!

Job 2: I will be hired as a sales force to find revenues in terms of sales for this company. Pay will be slightly higher than what I'm getting now of course. However, the advantage is that I get to travel around Asia Pacific....50% of my time :p Now I will be lying if I'm telling you that I'm not drooling with the offer. However, the disadvantage is that I do not have sales experiences. however the interviewer said that he can see me as a very effective sales person >.< I keep hearing people say that. How can people be so confident in me doing sales when I can't even be confident enough to see myself through?

Job 3: Now today's another offer, They wanna hire a project manager, based in Taiwan... I get to travel... yes... I get to see those hot Taiwanese chicks... yes... However, did you guys watch the youtube video on those Taiwan chicks without their heavy make up? Gosh I won't wanna be in that position!! Another setback is that I can't bloody read chinese and speaking them? well let's just say that I will tend to make people laugh and she once said my mandirin sounds cute =.="

So now what the hell am I gonna do? I need to give an answer as soon as possible. I can see myself excel and have opportunities to grow or climb the corporate ladder in this current company that I'm with. Should I be greedy and go for the money now and end up in square 1? or should I opt to work overseas to experience life in a greater manner?

Another headache is that for the past couple of months, I have repeatedly scratching my head so much just to think on how to reject people and decline a relationship. hahaha... well at least now It's been better, I got no more unwanted requests and I'm contented with what I already have.

Sigh... Dilemma dilemma.... I kinda know which path I should take already. I mean I'm finally settling down emotionally and mentally. I don't really want to struggle anymore after what I've been through for the past few months.

I mean yes I've gotten happier in ways. However, there's still a black smudge lingering in me of the past experience I've been having. At least now I do finally realize that I have friends who still cares for me, people who will be there for me during the time of needs. At first I thought when I turned single, I'm gonna be there facing it alone which had happened to me before. It's a torment and it's never a good memory.

At least now I do have someone who would be there for me, well, most of the time to cheer me up and to share some life stories lol. Someone there to give you a hug when you need one, someone to let you lean on them when you are tired and frail, someone to put a smile right back to your face, someone to make you laugh at the silly things that are being said or done. At least i have people now who are not critical to me, who accepts me just the way I am...someone who does not judge me just because of some decisions I've made.

It's been a real experience for me to find myself again. Who I really am, What I really am....

Guess I should stop for now...it's getting a little long and a little too personal :p

Why is it so damn difficult?!

Why is it so damn difficult? It's been a month now and I can't seem to shake my feelings off! I can't seem to let go, I keep looking back, I keep thinking about, I keep missing her...

I have tried, I really did. I mean I have gone away for a while and I did have a good time. Funny thing is that I still can't stop thinking about her. I have tried so hard and yet failure seems to keep creeping back unto me over and over again.

Each time I see her on facebook updates, my heart will go all sour and hurtful. It feels so fucking fucked up that I can't seem to shake her off my mind.

Maybe I should try leaving for good. Maybe I should just pack my bags and drift away, taking where ever the wind may blow me. It be a lie if I have not thought about it. In fact I am actually planning on doing so. But where to go? Will it be a wise decision? Who will I hurt? Who will I forsaken by my selfish acts? Will I be considered a coward for wanting to run away from my problems? I'm known for being a person who face whatever there's up against me but this issue, I can't seem to shake it off! Oh I so fucking hate myself for being like this!

I know a fact certain that things will never be like before again. I will never be able to get back this happiness again. I need to move on. I know it's not going to be easy but I never thought that it's going to be so fucking hard!

Do I feel angry? Hell yea I'm pissed! At myself mostly for being such a pussy! But to her? I've nothing but sadness and remorse. Why is it so hard loving someone? God fucking dammit!

OK Enough bitchin'

Something to Note and Remember!

It's been really a while since I blogged at all but I feel that these several turns of event it's something that I would like to record down and remember. What could be any worse for anyone to face.

August 2010.

This month kinda served me as a black month as there had been so many things happening to me that really makes me feel that there could not be any worse situation of situations a person can face at one straight go.

First of all, my brother's case. I guess I won't go into the details as it is not my issue at all. It affected me in a way that it has affected my family. From affecting my family it will indirectly affect me as well. Too much to go through and too much hassle running up and down just to get this thing sorted out.

Took about 1 week to 2 to settle this problem but let's face it; even after this experience it kinda shook everyone in the family including me. It's definitely something that I would not want to go through again. However, that does not fall to me to decide. Many a times if you think about it, it's usually due the cause of some smart ass that would create problem for this world to bear.

Secondly, I lost something that I've really deemed precious to me. Her... She has been the one that meant so much to and she's far too important for a man to lose. Well, due to either her or my own fault, those times have to end.

I can say one thing for sure. It's not easy for a man, well least of all me, to actually be able to decide or to even think of settling down, a.k.a marriage. She was the one I've set my eyes upon. She was my decision. Those who have known me for years know that I'm not the kind of person who would even think or even jump this length to a relationship.

So I dunno, for me, it's kinda big a deal as in the fact that I would decide such drastic decision, it's not easy at all and it took hell of a long road to come to that. Maybe to others its much simpler. You be with someone, you see him/her fit for a life partner, you plan and that's it... BOOM you 2 are on the track. But for me, it's like a civil war in my head.... To do it or not to do it... Alas the decision to do it had won. And yet, I lost her. I keep asking myself this same question.

"Will I be able to find such kind of person in which I will be able to decide like this again?" Somehow my answer is still "No".

To some, they will tell you that it's not like that, you will eventually find it again and you will not end up alone. That's not me. Once I've decided on something, it's really going to be difficult to change my mind especially on such big decisions like these. Wouldn't it be much harder to replan all these again?

I guess it's enough to record down for this part. The rest I would just wanna keep inside me and hopefully forget one day. I have a short term memory lost thing but to such long journey experience, somehow It's gonna take more than this sickness of mine to get rid of.

Thirdly, I received a news one day that a friend had passed on. I initially thought it's a prank from my friend. I've not met the deceased for like 2 years now and suddenly he's gone. When I realized that my friend's not joking, man the flashback of the good ol times we had just came back! I went to his funeral at the funeral parlor. Saw his coffin and thought to myself. Life is really short. To make matters worse, unpredictable. I mean like you may be living here one day and the next, you're all over again on the dice to roll to see whether you live or you die.

It is a callback to me to tell myself that life is too short to waste it. It did inspire me a little. I need to find myself again. I need to get myself back again. No doubt it was a sad night. Whole group of friends gathered at his funeral, catching up and all....remembering all the things that we had gone through with him, those crazy times...

To think again, it's really not easy to let him go. He was a good person, a good friend at least. But due to some reasons that I will not disclose here, he decided to go like that. Just a shocker to us all.

Last but not least, my job.... I made a decision to come back to my old job. I thought I would be able to expand myself. I thought the company had really changed... I was so wrong. so cheated.

I lost my job. Well, not technically...coz I actually resigned. I was made to choose between 2 most important thing to me...for now.... my job or my other important stuff... I had no choice.. everything was settle and we're ready. Too late to turn back now. Then the last minute this company had to come back to its old self again.

I was put into a situation where I have 2 choices and I had really no choice but to let go of my job. It's really not an easy choice but I know I had to make the decision. Tomorrow's my last day and I'm still cluless on where to look for a job. Sigh...

So at the end, like the chinese would always say:

I'm Old, I'm broke, Wife also runs away.

Seriously this month is really a FUCK my Life Month!