Conflicts in a Relationship

OK. Let's begin. As I have mentioned in my previous post, there are 2 things that usually cause conflicts or disagreements in a relationship.

1) Assumption
Do you realize in Asia mostly, 2 people while going through a courting phase, they can be like the best of friends. They actually discuss or talk about absolutely including things that are embarrassing or things that may deem weird as well.

The moment these 2 people step into a relationship, they start to be a little more careful with what information they share to their partner. This often baffles me as I fail to understand the logic sometimes. Shouldn't the information sharing upgrade as the status of our relationship gets an "upgrade" as well? Why limit the topics? But of course by doing so, couples tend to think out of the box or simply, ASSUME.

Think about this, each time your boyfriend or girlfriend goes out for a drink with his/her friends, the other will worry; You would start to think whether he/she has gotten into trouble with some other guy or girl in the bar or club. Will he/she cheat on you? Yes no doubt worry is part and parcel of a relationship as well. But from worrying it has lead to assumption which may cause misunderstanding or even conflicts to that relationship. If you have a question or something's bothering you, why not just ask and get the clarification you need so you can have a good night sleep?

Of course we will beat back to square 1 where 2 people limit the topic of conversation. This has to of course be eliminated first of all and continue the communication you had before you got into this relationship.

Other words, first learn how to communicate then seek answer instead of assuming; nothing good will come out of assumption. The more you assume, the more worried you may get yourself into.

2) Expectation
I understand that there are a certain level of expectations in a relationship; maybe like not betraying the trust, or even to getting you a present cause it's some sort of special occasion. Yes it's nice to get something more than what is expected but don't you agree that most of the time, people over expect and when their expectations are not met, they get all disappointed as well as frustrated?

Usually people will expect and they will just keep quiet and hope that their partner will be able to "read their mind" and meet the said expectations, but I can tell you this, 80% of the time, the expectations will not be met. 

Question then, why not just DON'T EXPECT at all and when your partner does something nice to you, your reaction to that surprise would be much well received than expecting something but not being met?

I often tell myself not to expect anything from the relationship I have. So each time my girlfriend does something nice for me, I would be happy coz she had something for me after all. If she has not done anything, then, it's fine coz I didn't expect anything at all in the first place.

Of course let's not take this for granted though; when it's her birthday or valentines or maybe your relationship anniversary, do get her something nice. May not have to be something costly but something that comes from your heart. But for those materialistic partners out there, it's not your partner who is not giving you what you want; but merely it's just that you have expected too highly on your gifts instead. 

Let's thing about that :)

Fundementals of a Successful Relationship

Today is more of a topic in which purely comes from my own opinion. I know others have their own views of how to maintain a successful relationship, do feel free to drop a line of your opinion as well if you'd like to; however this is again, my point of view.

I do not claim myself as a man who is successful at relationships, trust me, I had my flaws and made abundance of mistakes before. However, through those mistakes and flunked out relationships in my life, I do come to conclusion of a few factors to work on to make your very own successful relationship.

The way I see it, relationship is broken down into 3 main elements:

1) Communication

There is a reason why I put the sequence the way it is. 
I always believe communication is always the top priority in one's relationship.See, the human's mind is mankind's greatest mystery. Thousands of scientists and psychologists had their full on discovering the human mind and we are still nowhere near to discover its full potential. Hence, simply put, no partner can ever truly figure out what the other partner would do or react to certain situations. I mean of course, there are assumptions and expectations, but let me get to that later on...

When we are in a relationship, nothing builds up a mutual understanding or mutual agreement quicker than the art of communication. I always believe there's a right thing to say to the right person at the right time. Wrong judgement on what sentence structure to put to someone at a wrong timing would definitely lead to a disagreement or later, an argument. I know people tend to shy away from talking about their flaws or mostly, with our ego and all, most definitely not want to talk about what they have done wrong.

WHY?

Main reason is that we are too proud of ourselves that we will never want to accept the fact that we made a mistake. Even so that we ACKNOWLEDGED that the mistake was ours, we definitely not take criticism positively. We must learn to put our pride down, know that our partner is pointing out our mistakes solely because it had hurt him / her and would want to solve this problem so it would not happen again.

So if you continue to communicate, you would know your partner's style and method in communicating then it would lead to the fact that you know that your partner actually mean no harm when he/she is pointing out the errors you made. Of course when you point out the mistakes of your partner, do so with the intentions of solving the problem and making the relationship better; not just for the sake of pointing it out to drop your partner's self esteem.

2) Trust

I think this speaks for itself. Read the book from Franklin Covey, The speed of trust. You would then understand the effectiveness of actually trusting someone instead of slowly wait for your partner to build your trust. Many people are like this, not only in work environment but also in relationships. When you accept the relationship, you would be weary and keeping your eyes locked at the first sign of unfaithfulness or even disadvantages of your partner.

I understand that this is merely just to protect yourself from getting hurt over and over again. I do that too sometimes. But what I learned is that if we do that, we are merely wasting time and tiring ourselves down to be alert at all times. Why can't we just sit back and relax and enjoy what the relationship can bring you instead? 

Example, once you accept a relationship, you put in 10% of your trust into your partner and expect your partner to build your trust till 100%. How long would that take? A week? A month? Years maybe? Are you able to keep your awareness for that long? Wouldn't it tire the hell out of you? Once you have the 100% relationship only you would consider this a successful relationship?

Why not, instead of placing only 10% of trust to your partner, place a 100%? I know, there's a lot at stake here with your heart and emotions, but trust me, it'll be hell a lot faster. Why make it your responsibility to calculate your trust for your partner? Make it your partner's responsibility to MAINTAIN that 100%! The moment you place your trust a 100%, you would realize that you are much better off doing so, and you would be more at ease enjoying what happiness this relationship could bring.

3) Commitment

Commitment is commonly one of the toughest task for people these days. Why am I saying so? There's plenty of fish in the sea ain't it? People are so spoiled with choices that they are so blinded with the one good thing their own partner could give them. 

For men especially, we are hunters, we like to hunt, it's in our blood. But let me tell you this, if you fail to resist this temptation, you fail yourself as a man. Men also have self control in their blood. Why do we keep failing to use that instead of falling into temptations.

I've seen so many cheating men and women amongst my friends that it actually sickens me to the core. People should fall back to their basics which is contentment. Why bother looking for someone better when you can always make the best of the one that you already have?!

Let me ask you. If you are dating a 25 year old girl now. 5 years down the road, she'll turn 30. However, there will be a whole new batch of 25 year old girls during that time, then what? Go for them? 5 years later, the cycle will continue. Everyone will grow old, so will yourself. It's time to just look into your own life and say stop to all these cheating and discontentment and make yourself a better person.

In conclusion, if you fail either one of these elements, you fail yourself and you have failed your relationship. However, if you have learned how to master these elements, I truly believe you are already there to the road of a successful and meaningful relationship, maybe even a fulfillment of a meaningful life :)

I will write on another day about ASSUMPTIONS and EXPECTATIONS on my next post. It'll be something again, purely from my own opinion and of course, you are free to shout your disagreement at me or point out what you think is better. 
  

After All These Years

Yes, the title said it... After all these years, I finally came back writing something on this blog. To be honest I never really see myself coming to write something again but after reading back some of my posts, I cam to realize that "hey, I still could use this as a reference to my life story whenever I want."

Last I posted was about diving in Dahab. Since then there's so many changes in my life. I was in a company that had me travel all over Asia Pacific, gotten my Divemaster license, bought a car, bought a condominium, changed to a better paying job and so on.

Life was pretty rocky no doubt. Pretty much going up and down as usual.

I'm 32 now. Age is somehow catching up and I can feel myself older and of course wiser....yea right?! :p

I'm working with Maxis now. Big company, big position....sounds luxurious... but trust me when I tell you, it's not that luxurious at all... Yes the pay is good and all but is it worth to the extend where you lose your freedom, you looks your time, you lose sleep and stress still continues to build. To me, I guess it made sense to move then. It was an offer that I find challenging to refuse due to the pay and all. I guess I'll stick around and see how far this can go. Yes I have from time to time consider should I take a more wind down job and with that good amount of pay. Chances are slim no doubt, but hey, sometimes there are miracles ha ha...

I'm going through renovation of my condo right now and it's really something I'm looking forward to. I'll be able to move in after a month. I kinda over spent on my renovation and stuff....not by a few thousands of course but merely a few tens of thousands. :(

This home better be damn near worth it..!!!

After 3 years of not blogging, it has opened my eyes to a lot of stuff around the world. Back then it's always "will this thought go well in my blog?" or "will this picture fit in my blog?" Everything is so oriented with this blog. No doubt it was fun writing it all down. But guess what? now that I think back about it, even like taking pictures of food seemed silly :) couldn't believe I actually took a few shots of dishes, edit the pictures then post it up. Guess I must have been pretty free back then. Now?? The moment the food is on the table, Fuck it, I'll eat it first :D Ain't nobody got the time to take some damn pictures....

Of course when it comes to traveling, I do take pictures here and there. I've been to Maldives too. Took some picture with my iPhone... guess what? Shitty quality. So much for memorabilia for Maldives... The moment I stopped blogging, I stopped using my DSLR camera as well. Until early this year when I went to Vietnam. Took me a while to get use to the settings and the skills of using DLSR but hey it worked out just fine he he...

I'll update some more of what has been changed through these years soon enough. Till then, gotta get some sleep :)

Recent Obsession

Something's really got into me. For the past few days, I've been really obsessed with diving. Not just any dive or any location. I'm specifically drawn to a dive site called the Blue Hole.

Blue Hole is a diving location on east Sinai, a few kilometres north of Dahab, Egypt on the coast of the Red Sea.



The Blue Hole is a submarine sinkhole (a kind of cave), around 130 m deep. There is a shallow opening around 6 m deep, known as 'the saddle', opening out to the sea, and a 26 m long tunnel, known as the arch, the top of which lies at a depth of 56 m. The hole itself and the surrounding area has an abundance of coral and reef fish.



However the main attraction of this dive site is called "The Arch". The view of it is really spectacular. Nothing but total blue and the serene yet eerie feeling you will feel going through the huge cave exit to the open waters. BUT, there's a catch:





Nicknamed the "Divers' Cemetery," with more than 70 fatalities (some claim the actual number is over 100), Dahab's Blue Hole is basically a coral lagoon which opens to the Red Sea through a tunnel known as "the Arch." The roof of the Arch lies at a depth of 52 m (170 ft). The featureless depths beyond the Arch render the tunnel to the open sea appear shorter than it really is; in addition, a shoreward current causes the 26 m (85 ft) swim through the tunnel longer than its physical distance suggest it to be. The base of the Arch rests at 120 m (393 ft), after which it plunges to 1000+ m (3280+ ft) beyond. Scores of divers have fallen victim to its deceptive nature. The bottom of the Blue Hole is littered with scuba equipment and the bodies of their former owners; the cliffs around the bay bear their epitaphs.



Diving fatality (Yuri Lipski), 91.5 m (300 ft). The diver's helmet-mounted camera captured his final moments. Yuri's dive computer read 91.5 m (300 ft). The analysis, more emotional than objective, needs to be taken with a grain of salt. For example, at 91.5m, Yuri's oxygen partial pressure (PPO2) from diving on compressed air (he was only diving on one tank. No twinset and no deco-bottle), as opposed to mixed gas, would have significantly exceeded the physiological limit of 1.6 atmospheres for oxygen partial pressure exposure. Hence, his "thrashing about on the bottom" was more likely the result of convulsions from Central Nervous System (CNS) Oxygen Toxicity (OTox) than being "entangled in the sand." The Video below is the final moments before Yuri draw his last breathe.



Apparently this is the body said to be belonged to Yuri or possibly another diver named Babara Dillinger. They could not identify the body as the limbs were bitten off and the head of the body was missing. It is suspected that the body was lunch for sharks or what not. (Picture below)



The picture above was taken while a group of divers went down the blue hole to take a documentary video of the place. The video below best described how they found the body.





Speaking of Yuri, here's a video on how divers went down the blue hole trying to retrieve his body:



The thing I can clearly say about this place is that there's a great risk in seeing one of the greatest scenery mother nature have to offer. I for one particularly felt drawn to this place. I know I'm not properly trained for such circumstances yet. It's just a hope that one day I'll be able to prepare myself to witness the Arch with my own eyes and of course to live through it to tell the tale.

I wouldn't want to add my name to the list of tribute plates placed around the cliff on shore.

Something's Definitely Not Right

Hmmm.. where should I start? I've been pretty busy lately both in my job as well as running my small time business. So much to do and yet so little time for myself. It's like almost everyday I have something to work on. I barely got any time for myself just to relax and kick back to take a breather. Not to mention that recently I had to run around to get this or get that done for my loan to be approved.

Loan for what you may ask. I won't be telling until it goes through. Don't wanna jinx it if you know what I mean :p

I get irritated easily these days too. Somehow my tolerance level towards people is deteriorating and I seem to get agitated easily. I'm in somehow a mess right now and can't seem to think straight at the moment.

This feeling is somewhat familiar with one of my previous relationship back then. I get so pissed off when she was so reluctant to get things going or not to procrastinate. I'm not saying that there's someone at the moment who is doing this to me. I'm saying that the feeling of irritation is something like that back then >.<

I can't seem to pinpoint where the irritation comes from however all I can is feel the irritation being there. Maybe I should search deeper to see where it falls back to, or maybe I just need to chill and rest up. Which is which I wonder?

Never mind, for now I'll just observe and not fall into any quick judgment or decisions. I'll just let time prove itself again :p whether do I have the time for this to happen...hmmm

Clock's ticking, tick tock tick tock...

Random Thoughts

Never underestimate your potential and never be ashamed of what you are. Do your best especially when people expect you to do less because the greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Life never gets tough if one can handle it better. Cries won’t be tears if you’re not hurt. Sadness won’t mean anything unless you’re down. Anger will be nothing if apology comes right after. Smiles mean nothing if it comes from the unknown. A touch never says it cares unless you think so. There are a lot of things in life that have a different meaning of its own…

… So if you feel like having a dwell in life… Fight not because you’re brave but because you’re a coward who is out to prove something.

Blindfolded and walking alone. That’s what most of us feel in a lifetime full of major risks and decisions. It might seem safer to remain stagnant. But isn’t it more fulfilling if despite the fear of falling from a cliff and bruised knees, steps were taken? In the end, losing and mistake won’t count. What matters most is the person we turned out to be—not naïve but wise and beautifully molded by experiences.

I’ve learned… that when you plan to get even with someone, you’re only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I’ve learned… that ignoring the facts do not change the facts.
I’ve learned… that the easiest way to grow as a person is to surround yourself with people smarter than you are.
I’ve learned… that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
And I’ve learned… that life is tough, but I can be tougher!!!

Yet another trip and I'm hitting the road.

Yet another week and I'm again hitting the road, and here I am at the island which has loads of good food, good air, and terrible traffic >.< I was suppose to leave at 7am this morning, however my colleague came late so we took off a little later, well an hour later to be exact. I was so tired to drive as I have kinda had a long hour drive the day before arriving at KL at night. So this morning I took it kinda slow, cruising at 130-140km/h. Took me about 4 hours on the dot upon arriving to Penang and another 30 mins to find my way to Naza Hotel.

Upon arriving, we quickly settled our baggage and checked in to our room. Met the IT guy here for lunch at their coffee house and then off to work. Trust me the food here, SUCKS! I've never tasted such bad food in Penang before. This has gotta be the worst! I didn't really have a choice since we're really hungry, we just took a quick bite then we went to do our work in which we are suppose to do here.

Finished our task and we went off to another hotel, Berjaya hotel...
Did some stuff there and meeting some people there and the hotel manager. Sort that out and we're off downstairs to midland plaza to grab some DVDs hahaha it's really up for grabs and the price is really cheap! :p

We had dinner then at the other end of the island. Wanted to have chinese hawker food but according to our dumb law in the company, we need to have dinner in which there's a receipt so we can claim for our meal. =.=" so we ended up at Kayu Nasi Kandar haha. one of the places in which I could think of with receipt included :p

Now I'm here sitting back at the hotel room, resting while waiting for my colleague to be done with shower so I can get one myself.

Ok he's done...I think. Gotta go. ciao~